Saturday, April 16, 2011

Just when you think you have it all figured out....

Ah yes, life is good, life is funny and ever so sarcastic not to say somewhat on the side of: 'seriously?'. Just when you think that you no longer sweat the small stuff, that other people's actions don't affect you and that you are just too old to have to endure, or even care, about other people's crap..... Well you would be wrong!

Without going into detail, because it really is irrelevant, how do you end up in a situation you once found yourself in four years ago? I've heard that life sometimes taps you on the shoulder and if you don't listen, it whispers in your ear.  It then goes on to slap you in the face and, eventually, if you still don't get the lesson, you end up crashing into a metaphoric brick wall. This feels like that, but in reverse. I firmly believe I hit the brick wall four years ago and that I've recently been slapped in the face....and, unfortunately, I'm still not sure why.

Although the first time around I was so angry, this time I am so hurt. Yes I am vulnerable and that in itself is amazing as it is something I never allowed myself to be in the past. I thought vulnerability was a weakness, now I know that it is courageous to feel what you feel without shame. 

As a girl, I had to be strong because my sister died when I was 10, my parents split up numerous times and eventually my mother left without  me at the very tender age of 12. I was left with my very capable but alcoholic Dad. My husband calls my tales of woe the 'Angela Ashes' stories. We and our children laugh about it now because we can. I overcame and turned out to be a relatively normal, stable and decent human being. But not perfect....I never said perfect! When I make mistakes, I own up and I am gracious.

Which brings me back to the whole point of today's blog.  How is it that I am in a situation where I allowed myself to get hurt? Well maybe I've opened my heart up to people and have willingly let them in. Maybe life's lesson is allowing myself to be hurt and not react in anger. Maybe the lesson is to control the urge to retaliate and just let it be.  Maybe I'm just supposed to trust life to make its puzzle pieces fall into place, and surrender to whatever is here to teach me.

Now that would be any age!

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