Big Fat Sigh

Well who needs to blog about nearly being 40 when they feel like they are nearly 60?  Yes, we've had that uninvited guest in our home for nearly 2 weeks and the bastard is showing no sign of leaving.  No, my years haven't made me that heartless towards people but it has towards viruses. Ugh! Cough, cough, splutter, splutter, sniff, sniff...

I'm happy to report that life does not stand still for this 39 year old. Nope. There were rehearsals for the 6 year old's show, followed by the actual show, lunches to be made, school runs to be run, shopping, washing, dealing with the 14 year old's 'fourteen-year-oldness', swimming lessons, friendship drama, and so-on and so-on.... 

The great thing is that I got rid of one thing on my daily to-do list: farming! Yes, I did say farming. I have spent the last year and a half tending a virtual farm that has had me so busy that it nearly got in the way of my daily life! My fellow farmers nearly had heart attacks wondering where they were going to get their virtual gifts from...and I understand because that was exactly me 2 months ago.

I'm taking my life back and I'm going to use the time to get rid of those sneaky 12 lbs I put on! I knew I had put on weight but 12 lbs??? How did I find out it was 12 lbs? Well let me tell you! I have one fantastic friend out there! We went shopping today. We were in a department store. She took a weighing scales off the shelf and made me stand on it! 

Ok so what are you thinking? 'What a bitch?' Not me! It takes a really good friend to make you face up to reality, shock your system and then support you by saying she's going to diet with you. 

Yes indeed, your real friends are honest with you, tell you when they're pissed off with you and never ever give you the cold shoulder just because they've got their knickers in a twist over something that has nothing to do with you! Although that sort of thing is upsetting, its not as upsetting as it might have been 5 years ago. That's the difference! As you get older you don't sweat other people's issues...and your issues, such as cough cough splutter splutter, don't become other people's issues either. 

You just get on with it! And so off I go....

So uncool.....

And when did that happen? When did I become so uncool? I'll tell you when. Tonight. Tonight  I was the parent dropping her teenage daughter off at a local boys school for 'Battle of the Bands'. I collected her friend first and upon dropping them off, it was fairly obvious that I was to leave immediately with no goodbyes or any other civilised formalities.  I then drove off thinking 'I'd love to be going to something like that'....but the truth was that if I did, I'd be:

1) killed by my daughter 

2) sticking out like a soar thumb. 

Instead I had to go home and wait for my darling daughter to come home and tell me all about it. That conversation will consist of something along these lines:

'Did you have a good time?'

'Yeah' 

'Were the bands any good?'

'Yeah'

'Did you have fun?'

'Yeah. I'm going up to my room now....'

And voilà! Not only can I not go to these things but I'm not even cool enough to be told about them....Sigh.

Did I tell you that today I told someone that I was 38? And I wasn't trying to hide my age? I had just 

forgotten what age I was. Fortunately I had my trusty husband around to set the record straight. How does that happen?? How does one forget how old they are? Yes well, it must be a sign of my age....which is clearly NOT 38. Thanks Hon!

So other than that, my back is better but now I have a cold and I'm so tired. I remember when having cold was something you hid from your parents so that you could get out of the house and carry on with your plans. Now its something that slows me down so much that all I want to do is stay horizontal for the day. Which by the way....yesterday, after dropping my youngest to a birthday party and while my eldest was still at a sleepover, I bought a paper, got back into my pj's and read the paper in bed.....the whole paper!! With no interruptions! Plus I got to listen to REM's new album playing in the background and I could hear every bit of it! No interruptions; no 'Moooom, where are my pencils? Mooom is my t-shirt dry yet? Mooom, can I have some money?'

Sweet....a glimpse into the future. I love my kids and I love my life, but that rare moment was bliss. Something I hadn't done in years! I definitely have something to look forward to while getting older. And that makes my journey to 40 a lot less painful!

Rant!

Ok....so time to rant!  What is wrong with us women???? We wake up and think 'hey, excuse me while I beat myself up for not being perfect'. 

For me this morning's self loathing was about those extra few pounds that made me look like I was spilling out of my jeans. How dare I look like crap? Then there was the fuse that blew when my children argued with everything I asked or said when all I was trying to do is get them off to school warm, fed, clean and on time. How dare I lose my temper? Or how about the state of the house and the total disheartedness I felt when it took me so long to clean, only for them to come home and 1) to not notice how hard I worked and 2) to filthy the place up again! How dare my house get dirty?

Urgh...it felt like ground hog day! I was so fed up with it all, that while having coffee this morning with my trusty coffee buddies, I shed a tear or two - and this out of total frustration! Its good to have friends to talk to though. They always make you feel justified in your lows and also do a great job of making you stop being so hard on yourself!

Lucky for me I had a facial booked and after the facial I strolled into a sale and got myself a pair of jeans to see me through until those pounds are gone....slippery slope I know but the bargain softened the blow. That did cheer me up! It allowed me to take a step back and stop throwing punches at myself. I'm human, I'm not perfect and I can forgive myself.

How am I supposed to not pass these self destructive feelings onto my girls? How do I stop them from feeling so crap just because their clothes are a bit tight or because they weren't perfect in a certain situation? Its not easy! I'm going to keep telling them that no one is perfect and that trying to achieve perfection all the time is futile and soul destroying. Forgiveness goes a long way in life, especially forgiveness towards yourself. Taking a step back and doing something nice for yourself, like a facial, helps too. Be kind to yourself and get rid of the big bad bully inside your head!

Rant over....

Take it easy Mum...

So today's the first day of lent, ash Wednesday. What does it mean to a non practicing catholic? Not that much, except that I had too many pancakes yesterday.  My 6 year old was very excited about getting her ashes before school this morning and looks forward to working on her table manners during lent. Great! So it has helped me with my parenting duties and I am grateful for that. Was that a 'thank you God'?

I'm surprised that I didn't burst into flames upon entry into the church this morning while getting our ashes....yeah that's how often I go. I'm not perfect and I am a 'sinner' like the rest of us Catholics.  Soon I will be going to mass more often as my daughter will be preparing for her first communion next year. Hypocritical? Perhaps, but I believe in providing children with a religious basis so that they can question their spiritual beliefs and find their own spiritual paths as adults. 

What does this have to do with my road to 40? Well life seems a lot shorter as you approach 40 and this is because, on average, half your life is done. It makes you wonder what comes next. It makes you question your life energy and where it goes. So what do you do? You go along with what you know, such as ashes on ash Wednesday, and you take the good parts, like improved table manners for your child.  You embrace the best bits. No judgment, no hypocrisy, just the nice feeling that goes with doing something that relates to nourishing your soul. 

My 6 year old explained to me that today is a day to take it slow and easy and to reflect and pray if you can (yes she really did!) and so who am I to argue with that advice? 

I'm going to stick the kettle on....

Bouncing back

Yeah....there it is again! Not bouncing back as quickly as I used to. Eight days on and my back is still at me. I am quickly finding out that most people have back problems, but I'm only finding it out when  I complain about mine. I'm hearing stories of triple cocktail medication, injections in your back, slipped discs, back surgery and some people are permanently on morphine for the pain. WOW! I'm not as bad as them, and thank God for that! It's interesting that the closer in age they are to me or if they are older than me, they're back problem shows a direct correlation with their age, ie: it becomes more and more common. Interesting...

So my back is doing pretty much the same as its peers. Hmm....funny how no one says 'Nearly 40? Take care of your back because reaching for shampoo can put you out of action for over a week!' Now there is some sound advice. Its amazing what we take for granted and how these trip ups make us more appreciative of our bodies, how they carry us and keep us going.... It's interesting that, when we are in our best form as teenagers or in our twenties, we have no concept of how lucky we really are and instead spend the whole time disliking what we see. Sad really.

For now though, I will take it as it comes and remain positive that this is temporary and that it will pass. 

In the meantime: WATCH YOUR BACK - literally!

Sunday night

So there it is again: time flying. But in fairness, I was having fun. I won an 'afternoon of indulgence' in Harvey Nichols, which I claimed on Saturday, and it did exactly what it said on the tin! I then went out for diner and on to the laughter lounge with my friends - great friends actually.  I then topped it all off with a lovely dinner at home  today with my family and some friends from Australia. I  even  got to have my death bed meal wish: Lemon Meringue Pie. Ah the small things are great!

Tomorrow when I wake up, I have to grow up! Time to eat sensibly and get rid of those extra few pounds, clean my house and get organised for the week ahead. Funnily, it's perfectly fine with me! The great thing is that at my fantastic age of 39, you can only take so much indulgence before craving normality and routine. It might sound boring but it really is the key. You appreciate your fabulous moments when you have something a little less  outstanding to contrast  it with. Life is good that way.

Just another revelation for me as the days go by. Enjoy!

You are not 20 anymore!

Well of all people to remind me I am not 20 anymore! It was in fact the person I least suspected would do it! It was me!!!  Yes, there I was on Sunday morning, full of energy and motivation to start training for a 5k run in April. This was it. No more excuses. I was putting on my €110 running shoes on and I was going for it! The sun was shinning and there was no stopping me! 

But first some motherly duties. My 6 year old needed a shower. No problem. Get her sorted and out the door I go. When reaching for the shampoo I felt a little twinge in my lower back. Did I pull a muscle? Maybe. I was kind of in denial and ignored what my body was saying to me. 'Wimp! Get out there and run', my head said.

It was a fantastic run! I was delighted with how far I got before stopping to walk and starting again. What a great way to start training, I was winning! 

Fast forward 3 hours later....there I was, flat on my back on the floor of my sitting room, unable to stand up straight.  It's three days later and I'm still in pain. I don't know when my back will allow me to resume my training but in the meantime I will accept this as a lesson learned. I am not 20 anymore and my body will not let me forget it. 

Yeah, thanks very much!